His Reason
by JanineD
Summary: Rejection is hard to deal with. Starting new is hard to do. Jess after Rory's rejection. Originallly a one-parter but now continued. Pls rr. CHAPTER 2 NOW FORMATTED DIFFERENTLY
1. His Reason

**Disclaimer**: Once again, don't sue; I don't claim 'em

**His Reason**

"I'm not a perfect person  
There's many things I wish I didn't do  
But I continue learning  
I never meant to do those things to you  
And so I have to say before I go  
That I just want you to know  
I've found a reason for me  
To change who I used to be  
A reason to start over new  
and the reason is you  
I'm sorry that I hurt you  
It's something I must live with everyday  
And all the pain I put you through  
I wish that I could take it all away  
And be the one who catches all your tears  
That's why I need you to hear  
I've found a reason for me  
To change who I used to be  
A reason to start over new  
and the reason is You  
I'm not a perfect person  
I never meant to do those things to you  
And so I have to say before I go  
That I just want you to know  
I've found a reason for me  
To change who I used to be  
A reason to start over new  
and the reason is you  
I've found a reason to show  
A side of me you didn't know  
A reason for all that I do  
And the reason is you"

("The Reason" by Hoobastank)

The world kept turning, no matter what he did.

He could try to make it stop, but he would never succeed.

The pain inside him was paralyzing him, he was numb.

He hardly registered anything going on around him.

All he could do was stare.

Stare out of the car window in despair.

Stare out of the dirty car window onto the streets, look at people passing by, wishing she was one of them.

Holding his breath whenever a brunette girl approached, hoping for a miracle, but it never was her.

Disappointed he would turn his head and start staring at the dusty street again.

He was in the middle of nowhere, parked at the side of the road in a town of which he didn't know the name.

He had been driving the whole night without ever stopping, his mind clouded with her image and his ears filled with the sound of the dreadful "no" that had been her only answer.

If only he could take it back.

If only he could turn back time.

He would have never gone there.

Maybe he would still be living in denial, but in denial there was hope.

They were now officially over.

She had told him "no", a little word that caused him so much pain.

It was unbearable.

Even for him, the bad ass tough guy, this word was too harsh.

With these two letters, his whole world had collapsed.

Nothing made sense anymore.

His existence, his plans, his feelings.

All senseless.

Why should he live, if he had to live without her.

Why should he show ambition, when it wasn't for her.

How could he feel, when she didn't love him.

Love is agony.

He had known ever since he had to leave her the first time.

No one understood, but he had no choice in that.

How could he have stayed?

He would have only dragged her down with him.

He would have only hurt her, putting his worries on her.

He rather took it all by himself than putting weight on her shoulders and making her life harder.

No one understood though.

Not even her.

He had tried to explain once.

His "I love you" was supposed to explain.

He loved her, therefore he had to leave.

He loved her to much to let her be part of his messed up live.

She deserved better.

He knew back then and he knew know.

Why the hell did he go to see her after all last night?

He silently cursed at himself for that now.

Why did he do it?

How could he even think that there was anything he could offer her?

She could give him a reason to live, but he, he could give her nothing.

He had no money, no future, and even his love he had a hard time giving.

Loving and expressing love was hard for him.

He had been hurt by people who supposedly loved him for all his life.

Unconsciously he had always protected himself from being hurt again.

He had isolated himself from the world outside.

He dared to let anybody in, though against reason he had let her slide into his heart.

And all of a sudden she was inside and would never leave again.

Why had he acted against his natural instinct and opened himself up to her in that stuck-up Yale dorm-room?

Why had he even given her the chance of hurting him so much?

Oh what would he give to change last night?

He had told her how he truly felt, but even while the words where still coming out of his mouth, he knew that what he was asking was impossible.

He had asked her to give up her life for him, to give up her future and the people she loved.

He didn't have any of these, for him it was easy to just get into a car and leave but not for her.

She had people who loved her; she had the chance to fulfil her dreams.

He had none of it.

All he had was his love for her, which, he knew now, wasn't returned.

He sighed.

It must have been hours now that he had been sitting in this junk of a car.

He didn't know what to do.

He didn't feel tired or hungry or thirsty.

As a matter of fact, he didn't feel anything.

All emotions seemed to have been erased, all of them expect he pain.

The pain stayed.

No matter how loud he would turn up the music, no matter who hard he tried to concentrate on the novel in his hands.

He couldn't distract himself from the fact that she had rejected him.

It was all over.

He had had Rory in his life and had lost her.

Now it was too late and he had found out he couldn't bare to live without her.

What was he supposed to do?

For the first time in his life, he couldn't just run away.

The pain would follow him wherever he went.

She would follow him.

He couldn't escape her.

She was his doom.

He should be thinking clearly now, wondering about how to survive, but he couldn't.

His mind was all on her.

He couldn't think about where to go or what to do.

He couldn't think about finding a place to stay.

He couldn't think about working or earning money.

He couldn't move on.

She had him stuck in time.

She held him back without holding on.

He sighed again.

Breathing was hard.

It didn't come natural and it was unsteady.

The weight on his chest tore him down.

He had to move, he told himself.

He had to find life again.

Suicide had crossed his mind, but he had dismissed it right away.

Wherever he would go, she would still follow him, even after death.

Death wouldn't resolve anything.

If he couldn't fix this in this world, if he couldn't find his way back into life, he would never be free of pain.

He couldn't run; he had to face his problems.

He had to try.

He had to change.

For her.

He had to try at least.

He had this one last chance left and he wouldn't dare not to take it.

He had to change.

Himself and his life.

He had to prove that what he had said was the truth.

Maybe, one day, he could go back to her and show her, what he had done, just for her.

Some day he would face her and show her that he wasn't a failure.

Even if he couldn't be with her, he wanted her to know that he wasn't just white trash.

He had to straighten out his life.

For her, only for her.

Even if he could not get her back, even if he never saw her again.

He had to do this.

He had to prove that he was worthy of something.

He had to prove that he was worthy of living in this world.

He had to prove that he could make something out of it.

He had to prove that he wouldn't run anymore.

Yes, he wouldn't run anymore.

Not from her, not from emotions, not from fear.

Most importantly not from himself.

Jess turned on the engine.

It had started to rain outside, but he didn't notice.

He didn't notice his dry mouth or the growl of his stomach.

He was wide awake.

He knew where he had to go.

He had to leave and drive as fast as he could.

He needed to get there.

He had to get to the single place on this planet that was capable of reviving him.

New York.

He had to go to New York.

There he would start new, get himself a new life.

He would do it.

For her.

In New York.

**A.N**: This is my take on Jess's thoughts after Rory's rejection. Please review, I would like to know what you guys think. Originally this was supposed to be a one-parter, but I can up with a story line and I could probably write a few more chapters. Just let me know what you guys think and I'll see what I'll do about this one…


	2. Bumpy Road Ahead

**Disclaimer**: Characters are not mine! I don't own anything but my fantasy…

**Chapter 2**: Bumpy road ahead

Well, not exactly the Plaza, but a place to stay. Jess looked around the little one-bedroom apartment. There wasn't much there. He didn't bother to get many pieces of furniture. It wasn't worth it. All he would do here was sleep and study.

As soon as he had gotten a better job, he would go out looking for a better place to stay. No more room sharing though.

This was good for now.

It was dry and there was a mattress to sleep on and a bathroom.

The kitchen wasn't too bad either. He would have to cook for himself in order not to spend too much money. He could save money by not eating out.

He was determined to save as much money as possible, but hey, he didn't require a lot more than food, water and a bit of electricity. The jobs he had gotten didn't really pay much, but what can you do without a high-school diploma?

Idiot, he scolded himself.

You flunked out of high-school.

Stupid.

It would have been so much easier then. For the first time in a year, Jess regretted not having graduated. It had never occurred to him before, that there were many closed doors without a diploma. Finding a job that was paid fairly was hard to be found. He had to settle for minimum wage.

At least he had gotten two jobs. He worked 12 hours a day and at least he should get by.

Geez, this was gonna be hard.

He'd lived like this before, but he never had additional plans for the future. He wouldn't just work, he had decided to get his GED.

He was smart.

He should be able to do it.

Yet, he would have to study after work.

He would have to attend a GED program the one day he had off. Jess resolved not to think of anything or do anything besides work, eat and study. That's what his life had to be like.

Nothing more, nothing less.

She would have done it like that.

Well maybe she was better on the studying part. He figured he had an advantage in working though.

Jess felt somewhat competitive at the moment. He had never felt like that before. Well, he had loved to compete with Dean for Rory, but apart from that he never had competed with anyone for anything.

Now was different.

Everyone out there was a potential threat. Anyone out there could be in his way. Anyone out there could prevent him to succeed. Every single person in New York could keep him from changing.

He had to change though. He had to do it.

For her.

For her he would live through this. The thought of her was enough. It got him through. He survived by it.

He survived stacking shelves at the grocery store by thinking of her.

He survived 8 hours checking-out costumers at the crappy music store around the corner just by having the image of her face in the back of his mind.

He survived 7 days of work and studying.

He survived 6 hours of sleep every night.

He survived loneliness, he survived cold, when the heater had broken down, he survived the depressing atmosphere of the dog-hut he was living her.

She was the reason.

Late at night when he collapsed onto his bed after a tiring day, the thought of her let him sleep calmly. When he got frustrated with studying, the thought of her kept him going. When he felt like he was getting sick and he couldn't get out of bed, the thought of her made him get up and go to work.

She was the only thing that gave his life a meaning.

The first 3 months were hard on him. New York was his home, but it wasn't exactly the cosiest place to live. Life was hard here.

He had to fight every single day.

He had to fight for his own strength.

He had to fight the urge to give up.

But she was there. She followed him wherever he went. He carried her with him. Sometimes he thought he was going mad. But he wasn't. He wasn't imagining things. She was a part of him. The person you love is always a part of you. She was there to constantly remind him why he was doing this. Although his days were crappy, although he was constantly tired, Jess was somewhat content. He was on his way. He had taken the right road.

It may have been a bumpy road so far, but it would smooth out sometime in the future.

He knew it.

He would succeed.

He would become all that he could.

He would be the person that she had always seen in him.

He wouldn't give up on himself.

He owed it to her.

He owed it to himself.

**A.N**.: As you see, I've decided to continue with this. Just got this out of me. What do you think. Please review. I need advice and help. Is this anything like Jess? Thanks to anyone who has read this.


	3. Time is Precious

_Disclaimer: I do not own Gilmore Girls_

**Chapter 3**: Time is something precious

Taya had noticed him ever since he started coming to class. Apart from his good looks she liked how he was so mysterious. He never talked to anyone. As soon as he got there he would sit down at his usual desk, open up his textbook and wait for the lesson to start. During class he sometimes made comments which seemed to amaze even the teacher. He surely was smart. Especially when it came to literature. He always had comment when they discussed a certain book. He was interesting. Dark and mysterious. Just the kind of guy Taya went for. She wasn't exactly the prettiest girl in the world, but she knew that men considered her good-looking and sexy. It must have been her lack of dates lately, because she decided to walk up to this mysterious guy in her GED class, who she knew was called Jess, to ask him out.

Jess didn't even notice her when she walked up to him. He had his head buried in one of the text books he had gotten to study from for his GED. He never really paid attention to the people around him. He was not interested in them. He was just here so that he could get his GED. Nothing more, nothing less. He didn't need to socialize with his fellow class takers. So he was quite surprised when he heard someone say his name.

"Jess?"

A blonde girl was standing in front of him, looking at him expectantly. He shrugged. Did he know her? Maybe an old acquaintance from when he still lived with Liz. But no, he couldn't recall her face.

Since Jess didn't reply Taya simply went on.

"Jess, that's your name, right? Hi I'm Taya"

"Hi, um yes, that's my name."

"Okay, well I was wondering whether maybe you'd be interested in getting some coffee after class. I noticed you are always here alone and so I thought-"

"Are you asking me out?" Jess asked her confused. He was stunned. He didn't even know the girl. In fact he couldn't even remember seeing her in class. He never bothered.

Why did she come up to him then? Had he a sign on his forehead that said 'Ask me out'? Probably not. At least he hadn't notice.

"Well, yeah" Taya responded somewhat uncertain of how to read his answer "yeah, I would like to ask you out. What do you think?"

In the meantime Jess had been able to overcome his initial surprise and tried to come up with an answer. This girl was somewhat pretty and from what he could see she had wits. Had he met her a year ago, he probably would have gone for that date, but not now. No, he didn't want to date. He didn't need to date. He loved Rory. He didn't want to go out with another one. He just somehow had to explain Taya.

"Well, I have to admit I am flattered, but um, I can't go on a date with you."

"Oh, do you have a girlfriend?"

"Um, not but…"

"You're….gay?" Taya asked smirking. He didn't seem to be the gay type, if there ever was a gay type, but there were always surprises. She had always kind of sensed whether a guy was into girls or not. But she guessed, with this guy, there wasn't much to sense. You just couldn't read him. He was a total mystery, mostly because her didn't talk or converse with people.

"No, I am not gay" It was quite pathetic but Jess was very quick with his answer. Why did straight guys always have a problem when they were asked whether they were gay?

Taya eyed him curiously. She was not ready to give up yet. She wanted to know what this boy was about.

"Well, why can't you go out with me then?"

"Because…"  Jess didn't know how to explain. Actually he didn't want to explain. It was no one else's business. He should have just gone with the girlfriend thing. He wouldn't have to come up with some stupid excuse. Well, he could of course tell her she was not his type or tell her that he thought she was ugly. But that wasn't the truth. He couldn't be mean. Geez, Rory. What did you do to that smart-ass? Before he ever met you, he never minded hurting people, especially when he didn't know them.

"… I am just not up to dating."

"You like to be alone? Don't like to socialize?"

"Yeah, yeah something like that." Taya was still looking at him. Great, Jess thought to himself. She wanted more for an answer. "I am just too busy at the moment." The words didn't exactly come out fast.

"I am just too busy, you know…with all this GED stuff, and then there's work."

"Okay, so maybe not now, but maybe we could go celebrate once we passed our GEDs, what do you think?" No, Taya wouldn't let him off the hook. She was way to proud to take a rejection with so little an explanation.

"Um…actually." Funny, smart-ass Jess who had always had a quick smart-ass answer for anyone was now fumbling for words "um, no, sorry, but I don't think I am interested then either."

"So you don't like me?"

"Um, can't exactly say that, since I don't know you."

"So why not."

"I'm just not dating. That's why."

"You're not dating?"

"No I am not dating."

"Why?" Okay, this was going way too far. He was getting annoyed with her. He didn't like to be pressured, and more importantly, he did not want to talk about Rory. Thinking of her was hard enough, but explaining to a complete stranger how he had found the love of his life, had lost her by own fault and was now trying to change for her, even if he never saw her again, was impossible to do. He would always love Rory. He could never date another.

"I just don't date" Jess snapped at her. "I am not interested".

Taya immediately took a step back, surprised and even a bit scared by his outburst. When Jess sensed that he immediately felt sorry. This girl was just trying to be nice.

"Look, I am sorry, but please take no for an answer."

Taya simply nodded and turned around to take her seat in her usual desk. The class was about to start and she didn't want to dig further. In a few days she would have already forgotten this little episode. It wasn't that important to her.

However, it was important to Jess. Although he didn't want to date her, he realized that he had not spoken to a single person about personal stuff since his last talk with Rory. He hadn't even leisurely chatted with anyone in the store for example. All he ever talked to people about was stuff about his GED and things that concerned his work. Whenever a costumer tried to make conversation while he was checking him out at the music store, Jess would always just respond with a "hmm" or something like that and ultimately people would give up.

That wasn't right, was it? I mean, he was trying to get himself a new life. He made an effort to change. Himself and his way of life. He couldn't just brood all by himself. He would have to make some friends. Jess sighed at this thought. He never had many friends and he would never become the favourite boy on the block. However, he had some social contacts before, and he would have to start socializing again some time in the future. Jess sighed again. This chain of thoughts was keeping him from paying attention in class. They were discussing Jane Austen. Oh well, he might just as well keep on brooding, not much to miss there.

Yes, Jess would have to go back to lead a somewhat normal life again sometime. He would start acting normal around people, eventually. He just needed time. Right now, he wasn't able to do it, but eventually, some time in the future, he would go back to socializing. All he needed was time, all he needed was time…

**A.N.: **Okay, chapter three is up. Let me know what you guys think. You probably noticed I changed the format. I was thinking about changing it in the second chapter already, but I wasn't sure. I might still do it, if I feel like it.  I might still go back to the old format, depending on how the chapter turn out. I guess I like using it to express Jess's brooding. **Smile1**, thanks a lot for your reviews, I hope you keep on reading!


	4. On a Day in December

**Disclaimer: **None of the characters belong to me. They belong to ASP, if you didn't know yet.

**A.N.: **For anyone who has read my one-parter "On a Day in December" this is a cross-over. So if you're interested in another pov just read it. Please review and tell me how it turned out. I originally wrote the two stories separately but then I got the idea stuck in my head to tie them in together. What do you think? Does it work out?

**Chapter 4: On a Day in December**

Jess walked down Fifth Avenue through the snow that had been falling over the day. You could really tell that it was December in Manhattan. The snow didn't bother him too much. Actually the cold felt kind of nice. The other thing, the whole Christmas set-up was freaking him out though. He never had been a great fan of Christmas. No wonder, his mom had always been to drunk to even think about celebrating this so-called "family-feast" with him, and thus throughout his childhood he had never really had Christmas. In fact, Christmas had always been a time of hurt for him. It reminded him how many families where out there. How many loving families. A depressing thought for someone who had felt unloved throughout his whole life.

Christmas officially sucked. Jess's opinion was confirmed when he stopped at the corner to Rockefeller Center to look at the decorations there. This was just awful. Lights and trees and Santas everywhere. This wasn't a Christmas dream, this was a nightmare. How could anyone actually think that this was pretty? How could anyone display such a bad taste. The tourist liked it though, he noticed. There were at least a dozen Japanese tourists taking millions of pictures of everything. Great, display the senseless practice of Christmas decorations to foreign tourist that didn't have Christmas. They probably thought Americans were nuts.

Jess, being the New Yorker he was, kind of had to smile at that.

Luke never put up too many decorations. He vividly remembered the various fights Luke had had with Taylor when it came to putting up any kind of seasonal decoration in the diner. Of course, for Christmas Luke had kind of given in. A few were allowed.

The two Christmases he had spend at Luke's were pretty much the only two that he had somewhat enjoyed. The first one was pretty unspectacular. It had never crossed Liz's mind that her son could come home for Christmas, so he simply stayed with Luke who had desperately tried to make up for Liz. He had tried to give hi a cheerful Christmas. However, since Luke wasn't exactly the cheerful type their Christmas had just ended up to be a dinner and an exchange of the few presents they had gotten each other. Then they went back to normal.  
  
The second Christmas in Stars Hollow was different though. It was the one with Rory. They had been together and her and her mom had come over constantly. Rory had forced Jess to participate in various Christmas activities. He had to help decorate the tree in the Gilmore's house. They had gone ice-skating, he had helped her with the snow man and they even took another sleigh ride. It had been fun, mostly because she was around. It had also felt like a real Christmas. Like something special. Her wanting him there had made him feel special.

Jess remembered their exchange of gifts on the bridge. It wasn't like they had had very personal gifts because they hadn't been going out for so long, but he remembered Rory's smile when she had opened her gift, a novel, of course, though Jess couldn't remember which one, male memory sucked, but more importantly he had given her a trip to New York. He had written it on one of the pages of the novel. He had wanted to take her to New York with him again, since her first trip had ended up being such a disaster for her. After he had explained Rory had hugged him for which felt like a lifetime and when she had finally pulled out of his embrace she had this big smile on her face. He knew he had chosen right then.

Actually, they had never gone to New York. They had never managed to find a date on which both of them had a full weekend to spare. They had resolved on going in the summer, after Rory's New York trip, but we all know how that turned out. They had broken up beforehand, well, he had left and she had broken up with him on the phone. It certainly wasn't Jess's favourite memory. _I think I might have loved you. _Oh how these words had tortured him. He had walked away thinking that she would simply move on. He had pretended that their relationship hadn't really been that important to either one of them, but he had been wrong. She had meant so much to him. He had known right when hanging up the phone after that memorable call on her graduation day. She meant more to him than he ever liked to admit. He had realized then, that he had loved her.

Jess sighed. Way too many painful memories. That's what Christmas did to you.

Jess resolved to get back to his apartment. He still had stuff to go over and his GED testing was not too far away from now. Jess was terrified of failing. Rationally he should pass easily, but Jess was too scared to acknowledge this fact. All he could think about Rory and not being a failure. He wanted to pass this test so badly. A year ago he would have been disgusted with himself. He never cared for school. He cared for this diploma. It would open up doors for him. He could even go to college, although Jess had never even considered it. He wanted to do this his way. No matter what other people would think, he could do without college. He was not like all the others. He had his own kind of education and ways to improve his knowledge. College wasn't for him. It was for people like Rory, but not for him.

Okay, he should really get going. Standing here staring at Rockefeller Center wasn't getting him anywhere. There were books waiting for him.

Jess was about to turn around when something caught his eye. There was someone standing in the middle of the square looking at the sky. This person, this girl was several yards away from him, but something about her seemed extremely familiar to Jess. He couldn't look away.

This couldn't be, could it?

This couldn't possibly….

He didn't even notice moving closer.

Her hair, her back, the way she held herself up.

But this couldn't be her.

Jess didn't know what he was doing anymore.

He unconsciously followed an inner urge to make sure he wasn't imagining things.

He had to know for sure.

He couldn't be conceived, could he?

Before he knew he was only feet away from her.

He was breathless.

He didn't know why, but he was scared to death.

Scared that it might be her and scared that it might not be her.

"Rory?"

Was that just him?

Did he just ask that?

It must have been, there was no one else around that had a voice that sounded like his.

She turned around, and for a moment Jess's heart stopped.

Rory.

It was her.

Jess could see her eyes widen.

Surprise?

Shock?

Probably both.

"Jess" it was very soft but he heard it anyways.

He couldn't believe this.

He didn't know what to do.

Should he say something? Should he just walk away?

Jess was paralyzed. He couldn't move or speak. All he could think of was her standing right in front of him. Her, who had broke his heart. Her, he loved so hopelessly that all his life was evolving around her. Her, whose sight was unbearable to him. It was too painful. He did everything for her, but he couldn#t face her yet. The pain was still to big, the rejection though months away still lingered in his mind. He couldn't deal with this. He couldn't let her hurt him again, let her crush him once more. He was just on the right track.

He had to go.

He had to run.

Once again.

He turned away from her and started walking.

He would forget this.

He would move on like nothing happened.

This was just too soon.

She wouldn't let him.

"Jess" he heard her cry.

"Jess" again, stronger this time. He heard her running after him but he didn't turn around. On the inside he was pleading for her to go away. But she didn't. She soon was right next to him. He didn't stop, just kept walking and she walked with him. He pretended she wasn't there. No, it wasn't Rory walking beside him down Fifth Avenue. No she wasn't there. If he just kept ignoring her she would go away eventually.

Suddenly he felt how his arm was grabbed forcefully. She forced him to turn and look at her. She tried to look him into the eyes. Geez, this hurt so much. Why did she do this to him? He couldn't look her in the eyes. He couldn't stand the blue of the. He would fall again. No, don't look into her eyes Jess.

But he had already done so.

Their eyes had locked.

It was overbearing, just like all the times before.

This was just too much.

Oh how he could fall into these eyes.

These eyes. That was all it took. His disguise was gone. He was right in front of her, vulnerable.

"Jess" there, she had said it again.

How much he loved his name with the sound of her voice.

Her voice was shaking he noticed.

And then he saw it.

Tears rolling down her cheek.

Tears, really tears.

She was crying.

"Jess" it was just a whisper but accompanied with a smile.

She smiled, she cried and smiled.

Jess felt a huge weight lifting from his shoulders.

All the pain from her dorm room was suddenly forgotten.

She had told him no then, but now she was standing in front of him. Here in New York. She was here. She was crying and smiling. Because of him. He meant something to her after all.

Jess couldn't help it.

He slowly started smiling.

He didn't care about anything then, just about her.

Around them there was so much commotion, but inside him, it felt like he stood still in time.


	5. Feelings, the hard way

**Disclaimer: **I disclaim everything.

**Chapter 5: Feelings, the hard way**

Jess didn't know how long they had been standing there smiling at each other. It could have just been a minute or it could have been an hour. As far as Jess was concerned he didn't know and he didn't care. All he cared about was her standing in front of him. Gosh, she was beautiful. Even though she was wearing a massive amount of clothes and had a scarf wrapped around her neck, he could still make out her figure and the colour of her skin. She was beautiful, too beautiful. Too tempting. He would give in to her, he knew, unless he was able to say something first. He couldn't let her speak first. Whoever spoke first would lose.

So he had to speak first. Yes, definitely, he had to say something before she could say anything. But how to start?

"What are you doing in New York?" Wait, what are you doing in New York? Where did that crap come from? He could have just asked 'How do you like the weather today?' or something even more trivial. Didn't he want to say something first? Now the ball was in her court and she could start wherever she wanted.

"Um, I just like to come to the city sometimes. I've been doing that more often lately." Rory answered. Lucky you, she's just as clumsy as she is.

"Uhu, I see."

"Look Jess, why don't we go somewhere and talk."

"I don't know if that's a good idea." Actually, that's what he thought. It wasn't a good idea. He wasn't ready yet.

"Look Jess, I really want to talk to you."

"Rory, I don't think I can do that." She looked at him sadly. Damn it Mariano. You made her sad again. Asshole. You just can't help it, can you?

Against his better judgement Jess asked. "Well, what do you want to talk about?"

"Us, what happened, everything, my life, what has happened in my life-"

"That's a lot to talk about."

"Well, yeah, but Jess please" her eyes were pleading with him. He didn't know why, put he could sense that there was something entirely wrong about her. Something had happened. She looked worn out, more serious, not as careless as before. Something had happened. Jess wondered what, silently hoping that it wasn't his fault again.

"I just need to talk, please, Jess."

"Alright." Jess nodded. He couldn't believe himself. Why did he do this? He was not prepared for this. He had nothing going for him yet. He was still at the beginning of a new life. No matter how much he wanted, he couldn't get involved with her yet. He was still the same failure as a few months ago, when she rejected him. He couldn't take another no.

They silently started walking again, Jess taking the lead, knowing his way around town. He couldn't take her to his dog hut. He couldn't show her what his life was like. Normally his first choice would have been Washington Square Park, but it was way to cold for that today. Okay, so some place where they could talk but wouldn't necessarily be alone. That would have just been uncomfortable. Jess decided on a more neutral location. He knew a little café just a few blocks away in which there where always people, but it never was crammed. That should be okay, He hadn't been there since he was back in town and he didn't think that they would meet anyone from his GED class or work there. Somehow Jess was terrified with the thought of her getting an insight of his life.

They got there after about 10 minutes but neither of them said anything while they were walking. Jess was deep in thought and so was Rory he figured. This wasn't gonna be easy. But he couldn't have said no to her. Hadn't he promised that she could count on him now? Hadn't he promised that he could be there for her? He had and he wouldn't break his promise. He had to show her that he had grown up and could deal with her rejection. If she needed to talk, fine. He would let her talk, which didn't mean that he would talk. He wasn't ready to offer anything about his goals in life at this point.

When they entered the café there weren't too many people. Jess pointed at a table in the corner somewhat away from the other guests and Rory nodded in agreement. As soon as they had sat down across from each other the waitress made her way to their table.

"Anything I can get you two, do you need the menus?"

"For me just coffee, please" Rory said.

"I'll have the same" Jess commented. The waitress smiled and walked back to the counter.

"So" Rory said.

"So" this was getting awkward, Jess thought.

"What do you want to talk about?" he asked. After all, she had wanted to talk so she should make a start.

"Well, there's a lot I want to get of my chest."

"Okay, so I guess you should start somewhere."

"Right, okay" Rory responded, obviously fumbling for words.

Then the waitress came back putting their coffees down in front of them and both of them immediately took a sip. Jess was somewhat thankful for the little distraction.

"Okay, a lot has happened since I last saw you."

"I figure, it's been a few months."

"Right." Rory looked down. Jess was getting nervous. Where was this going, what was she going to tell him?

"Okay, Jess, this is kind of hard but please hear me out. These last months have not exactly been the best in my life; I made so many mistakes, oh my god. I don't know how many. There's so much stuff that I regret. Me and my mom have grown apart, me and Lane hardly talk, I hardly go home, my grandparents are broken up, Dean hates me, Luke cannot look me in the eye anymore, I can't talk to people at school…"

"Wow wait Rory, that's like way to fast, I didn't get half of it. Take it step by step."

"Okay" Rory said taking a deep breath.

"After you left and I got back home something happened. I made a huge mistake and that changed my relationship with my mom, with Dean, with Luke, hell with everybody in Stars Hollow."

"What happened, Rory?" Jess asked trying to make her cut to the essential part.

"You're gonna hate me for this."

"Try me." Jess couldn't think of anything that could make him hate her. He loved her way to much to ever hate her.

"I slept with Dean."

It was as if Jess had just been kicked in the stomach. He felt slightly dizzy, a wave of nausea coming over him. He never expected that. He needed a few moments to collect himself. Okay, this hurt, this really hurt. Anyone but Dean. Anyone else but not Dean. Dean was like the ultimate decision against him, against Jess. But still, Rory had told him, why would she tell him? Why would she want him to know, what did he have to do with it?

"Why would I hate you for that?" He didn't intend saying that. It just came out.

"Because I don't love Dean, I never have, I love you."

Another kick, not it was more like a knife stabbed into his heart. Jess wasn't sure what was happening. He was stunned. Did she just say that, or was he imagining things? He couldn't tell whether he was dreaming or not. She said she loved him, but hadn't she told him no. Hadn't she slept with Dean? How could she love him? This didn't make any sense. Jess didn't know what to make of it.

Rory loved him though.

She had said "I love you" in the present tense.

"Is that true?" he almost didn't ask afraid her answer would be no.

"Yes, it is Jess, I love you. And I'm sorry for everything that happened. I've always loved you, you know. But I was hurt, really hurt, and I was afraid that if I let you back in, you'd hurt me again. That's why I told you no Jess. I wouldn't let myself love you."

Jess couldn't say anything to this. He knew he wasn't worthy of her love. He had known all along. His request had been incredibly stupid.

"I didn't mean to tell you no" Rory continued. "I never wanted to say no to you. I said no to you and me leaving. I can't give up my life. Everybody expects stuff from me, hell, I expect stuff from myself. I couldn't just leave with you. I thought that if I told you no, I could get over you. That's part of the reason why I slept with Dean. I told myself that I was over you, and like everyone else had said that Dean was such a great guy and I should be with him-"

Jess let out a noise of disgust at that. Bagboy and a great guy. Right, the kind of guy that cheated on his wife. The kind of guy that would sleep with his ex-girlfriend taking advantage of her.

"-but I don't want to be with Dean. I never loved him, and I know that I cheated with him. God, Jess he's married. How could I do that? I don't even recognize myself." Rory's eyes started filling up with tears. She had a hard time dealing with the thought.

"You're still you" Jess commented trying to calm her down, "but you're also human. People make mistakes."

"But being the girl on the side, that's huge."

"I've done worse" Jess answered contemplating. He really had done worse.

"I am sorry" Rory interrupted his chain of memories now managing to stop the tears.

"What?"

"I am sorry."

"What for?"

"I shouldn't have let you walk away. I shouldn't have tried to deny my own feelings. I know I hurt you Jess, and I am sorry."

Jess simply nodded. "I think we have both had our fair share of hurting each other."Rory looked down and Jess started playing with his coffee cup. He hadn't had a sip ever since the first one. But now he drank. The coffee was still warm, but not as hot anymore. After a few sips he looked around the café and so did Rory. Both didn't know how to go on. They just sat there and stared trying not to look at the other. Jess noticed a shopping bag sitting next to Rory on a chair. It looked like she had bought a book. He had to smile at himself for that. She was still reading.

"Bought a book?"

Rory seemed kind of irritated by the question. It took her a while to answer.

"Um, yeah, but actually, it's not for me." Jess didn't ask further. They went back to silence.

"Jess" Rory started all of a sudden "do you still love me?"

The question sounded somewhat hopeful but also desperate.

Jess had hoped she wouldn't ask. He couldn't lie to her and his response would make him so vulnerable. But he had to say it. He had to be honest.

"Yes, I love you." It was more a whisper, but he was sure she heard, because she started smiling lightly.

Right, so they both loved each other. Jess wonderedwhat that meant though. After all, they couldn't be together, could they? No, he just wasn't ready for her. He had only accomplished so little. He knew, that if they were get together now it wouldn't work out. He didn't know why, he simply knew. He still needed time. He needed time to become someone who was worthy of her love. He would always feel inferior to her if he didn't change his life. And he was still too hurt to just let her back in.

"I can't be with you, if you were gonna ask about that."

"Why?" Rory obviously was disappointed at that, though not surprised.

"I am not ready. I don't want to lose you again. And I am just not ready. We're not ready. I have stuff in my life to take care of, and it seems like you're life is kind of messed up as well. It just wouldn't work now."

Rory nodded. She understood. He was relieved.

"Maybe I should go." He offered, thinking that it would be hard for both of them to sit together anymore.

"No, wait. Can't we just talk, just like we used too? Jess I missed you so much. Please, just talk?"

"Rory, I can't talk to you about my life right now…I just can't." He dropped his gaze. He couldn't look her in the eyes. He knew his never opening up to her had been one of their major problems, but he just couldn't.

"That's okay, I don't know why, but I guess if you can't talk, then you can't talk. Just let me talk. Please, just let me tell you. I need someone to listen, who will not ultimately judge me. Someone who understands me."

Jess nodded he knew what she meant. He had always felt like they understood each other, no matter what they were talking about.

And so they sat there. She talked. He listened. She told him about her life, her troubles with her mom, her grand-parents, even school. At one point he asked her how Luke had been and she told him. He never inquired after anything else, although he was somewhat happy when she told him, that she had clarified things with Dean and that they didn't speak to each other anymore. Jess was still mad at Dean. He was sure, that of he was to meet this guy any time soon, he would beat the crap out of him.

 They noticed that they must have been talking for almost 2 hours, when the staff started putting up tables. There were pretty much the last guests and agreed that it was time to go. Jess paid, like he had always done, and they walked out of the café. At the corner they stopped. Jess knew, that he would have to leave her here. He couldn't take her any further. If he walked one more block with her he wouldn't have been able to let her. Just this evening, just listening to her talk, knowing she loved him, had been so wonderful, so reviving, so refreshing. He had missed her. He had missed her company.

But this had to end here, if he was ever to have future with her.

"Rory" Jess said "I need to go now."

"Oh, okay, sure, you need to go" Rory stuttered. She didn't want him to go yet, he knew from the look in her eyes. He couldn't give in to her. He couldn't. Not yet anyway.

"Will I see you again?"

"I don't know" that was his honest answer. He didn't know.

Rory looked down at her hand and he could tell that she would start crying if he didn't leave right away.

"Bye, Rory" he said and he heard his voice cracking. This could be the last time he saw her and the thought was painful, unbearable again, just like the day in his car before he decided to go to New York. Jess turned around, not being able to look at her anymore, and walked quickly away from her.

However, he hadn't taken five steps when he heard her shout after him.

"Jess, wait" He stopped in his tracks and turned around again. She stood there, a book in hand, which she held out to him. Jess didn't know what she wanted.

"This is for you. A Christmas-gift. I didn't know whether I would ever be able to give it to you, but I bought it anyways. I want you to have it."

Jess moved closer and had to smile when he saw which book it was.

A Farewell to Arms. And it looked like it was an early edition, something he had wanted for a long time. He smiled and looked at her again, Then he knew.

"See you Rory" he told her and turned around to walk away from her again.

Before he turned around he had seen a smile on her face.

She knew as well.

**A.N.: **Well this chapter was kind of hard for me. I am not totally happy with it, but that's as good as it gets at this point. I hope it turned out ok anyways. Ana/litzyf thanks a lot for your review, and as you see, of course she doesn't get him back this easily. It's not that simple. And yes, they definitely belong together. They need time though. Hope you enjoyed it.


	6. Unasked Offers

**Disclaimer: **Like always, I claim nothing… no point in suing!!!

**Chapter 6: Unasked Offers**

On a night in March Jess found himself on a bar stool in a crowded village bar. His fellow employees had asked him to go out with them in order to celebrate one guy's birthday, and since they caught him in a good minute,  right upon receiving his pay-check, he had actually agreed for which he was now cursing himself. Here he was sitting among a crowd of so called alternative New Yorkers, he had to listen to a band whose members thought of themselves as the new Nirvana but unfortunately they sounded more like The Offspring and he had the joy of seeing every one around himself getting pissed. Great evening!

Jess thought about his bed and how much he wanted to be in it rather than spending his time in this shack of a bar. He should be sleeping, but instead he had guys around who were already too drunk to notice that he was in the mood to kill them all. Gosh this was so pathetic. He never thought it would be so bad, but the guys, after having a few shots, actually started singing 'Happy Birthday' for Josh right in the middle of the bar. Totally embarrassing, and Jess tried to hide his face in the mean time. If this one guy, Kenneth, hadn't been by his side the entire night, he would have left immediately. This was just awful.

The band was taking a break. Luckily.

Or not. Kenneth seemed to think that the break was a reason to start talking.

"So why are you working in a diner?"

Great question, Jess thought to himself. This was just terrifying. Not only was it pathetic that he, who had made fun of Luke frequently for running a diner, was now working in a diner, but he also made contact with his co-workers.

"Because I get more money." That was about the truth. Now Jess usually would have uttered something with less syllables like 'More Cash' but this Kenneth guy actually wasn't too bad considering he had just moved to the city from California and was the only one that wasn't completely trashed yet. Jess kind of sympathized with him. He had seen California and decided that New York and California didn't fit, just like J-Lo and Ben. It would be hard for Kenneth here and Jess was sure this guy wouldn't last two months in the city.

So okay, this guy wasn't too bad, but did he have to try to make friends with him?

"So, how do you like work?"

This was a joke right? Was he actually thinking that one could like anything about working, especially when you were carrying around eggs, pancakes and burgers and all that other greasy, smelly stuff for stuck-up customers all day?

"Not at all."

"Huh" Great, now he even stole his line. This was just getting better and better.

"So, how do you like the band?"

"Same as work."

"What?"

"Not at all."

"Oh, I see" Kenneth obviously was surprised by that "why not, I mean people around here really like them; I have even read good commentaries about them in the paper."

"Oh yeah?" Jess asked. "Honestly whoever wrote that must have a deluded sense of music. The only good thing about them is that they are taking a break now.  I mean, the beat just sucks, way to slow. The lyrics are crap. The lead singer tries to pretend he has a voice. And well the worst part about it: They think they're the new Nirvana. They're just not. They try to imitate something rather than playing stuff that actually fits their way of playing. Poor creatures, poor souls."

"Huh" again, Kenneth was stealing his line. Jess turned away from him, hoping he wouldn't ask another question. The band was setting up again, which caused Jess to sigh and he decided that it was time to go. He could use some sleep. Even though the diner-job had flexible hours, Jess was still getting used to not having a regular schedule, and he was still in lack of sleep. He was glad he was done with the studying though. In January he had passed his GED and even though Jess didn't like to brag, he liked to say that his scores were quite good. Pretty high actually.  They even helped him get a job at this diner just a few blocks away from his new apartment, which he had been able to get because of the new diner-job and because of the money he had saved up in the last months. So, yes, he was now living in something worthy of the name apartment. It still wasn't the penthouse suite, but it was warm and dry, not more than your usual amount of New York bugs and insects, and it actually had a few pieces of decent furniture. Hell, Jess even had a shelf to put his books on.

Yes, he had been reading again, ever since he met Rory. He didn't know why, but meeting her had made a  positive change in his life. Knowing she loved him just made him feel so much better. For once he felt like there was hope. It was sappy, but knowing she loved him and missed him made him happy. Jess actually regained sight of the good things in life, like music or books. And then the new job, more money, his passed GED; everything seemed to be going fine and maybe that's what made Jess socialize tonight.

But enough was enough. He couldn't take anymore of this. He had enough of people for today. He got up from his chair and put his jacket back on. He emptied his bottle of beer, only the second he had the entire night, and prepared himself to say goodbye to Kenneth, when somebody tapped him on the shoulder. Jess turned around to see a guy that had been sitting across from him at the bar for a while. He hadn't paid much attention to him.

"Hi, I'm Max, Max Fuller"

"Huh, okay, whatever…" Jess turned to leave again, he wasn't in the mood for some stupid bar talk.

"No wait, please. I know this is kind of weird, but I just got to overhear your little comment about the band here and I really liked it."

"Okay, so you think the band sucks, have a good night." This was getting on Jess's nerves. He wanted to be out of here.

"Please, hear me out. We could really use someone like you. We, I mean, the staff of my paper. I'm publisher of a little local newspaper, called "The Village" and we make reviews of local bars and restaurants, as well as music, band, books and all that stuff. You seem like you could maybe contribute to our music section. Well, if you can write that is."

Jess couldn't help but think this sounded interesting. He remembered having a look into on of their issues at work and he didn't think it was that bad. In fact, it was kind of good.

"Okay, I am listening, what's the deal?" Jess offered.

"Okay, well, this wouldn't be a fulltime job, because obviously we're low-budget and we're all doing this in our spare time. You'd get a few bucks though for every article you write, let's say the average is about 10 bucks for a page-"

Jess grinned at that. That was close to nothing.

"-but if you were to write about music or books for example you'd get free samples to write about."

"You need someone for book-reviews as well?"

"Yeah, why, do you read?"

Jess was about to say 'not much' but changed his opinion.

"Yeah" Jess cleared his throat, "Yes, I mean, I read a lot."

"Mmh, well okay, and are you always that sarcastic."

Jess smirked and said "Not at all".

Max Fuller smiled at that. "Okay, you have your high-school diploma?"

Dreaded question.

"No, but I just passed my GED in January."

"Okay, that'll do. Would you be up to take some writing classes, for example at a Community College? Depending on how well you write, maybe just a few, just to get to know the basics of journalist writing."

"Doesn't sound too bad" Jess said hesitantly. He had just been done with studying and should start again right away? But somehow this offer seemed kind of intriguing to him. Even though he wouldn't earn much money, it seemed like this could be fun and free music and books sounded nice. And it would not look bad on his record. Oh my god, Jess Mariano actually cared about his record.

"Okay why don't you think about it and give me a call as soon as possible?" Max Fuller got out his wallet and pulled out a business card "What's your name by the way?"

"Uh, it's Jess, Jess Mariano" Jess said taking the card.

"Okay, so call me. Have a good night."

Jess watched Max Fuller leave the bar and stood there pensive. This was weird, but maybe a step into the right direction? Jess hadn't thought about what he wanted to do in the long run, but writing reviews for a paper didn't sound too bad. Maybe he should take the offer just to try it out.

Jess said goodbye to Kenneth and left to go home. He would think about this. Yes, he would think about this.

**A.N.: **Okay, so we're back to Jess alone in New York. Thank you for your reviews. Smile1, I am glad you like it better now. I think I am getting a sense of how to write this, and I have ideas for future chapters, but still, I am grateful for any review. Tell me what you like, and also what you don't like. That would help a lot.  I hope this one was not too boring. I know the last two chapters were more eventful, but I need some room-fillers. There'll be more Rory and Jess in the future, I just still need to figure out how. There might be a familiar character in the next chapter though… Bye, Janine


End file.
